Dave came home from work one night last week and immediately took Elias out of my arms. He told me to go get coffee, or sushi or get my nails done. He told me I needed a break and to find something to do just for me. I could have cried. I didn't argue, though I felt odd giving in so easily. I chose a mani + pedi and even though I was only gone for 2 hours, I came back feeling rejuvenated. Refreshed. I felt like a new woman. I felt like a better mom. I couldn't thank my husband enough for hearing me, for listening and for helping.
I share this with you because it came at a time when I needed it most. I had been feeling lonely, invisible, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed. Sound familiar?
I share this with you because I know it's how some of you mommas have felt or may be feeling right now. I share this with you because I know what it's like to want to ask for help, but don't know how. I share this with you because I just want you to know, that you aren't alone. Even when you feel like you are.
"I often wonder why it is that I don't simply ask for what I need. Why I don't drop to my knees and turn my heart inside out like a sleeve, pressing palms together, looking you in the face. "Please," I might ask, "I need for you to love me more. I need to be touched gently. I need space to cry, room to grieve, open air to share without judgement. You're all I have - do you understand that? I need you, dear one. Please, see me. Please, I need for you to love me more.
Maybe it's you. Maybe I'm afraid of what you might say. Or, maybe it's me. Maybe I don't know what to ask for in the first place. Maybe I'm afraid that turning myself inside out and exposing all the tender skin beneath the walls I've built will be impossible to reverse. Maybe I'm afraid that it won't help, and then I'll just be balancing on skinned knees, fleshy wound and bare bone exposed without healing.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Not motherhood, exactly, but the surrender it takes to say to you, my husband, my love, "I need help. I'm hurting. I'm needing. I'm fragile. Please, just for a while, I need you to carry me."
Hear me, sweet mama, ask for help. You truly deserve it.
Until Next Time,
Kirsten Hedges is an author + momma. I stumbled upon her through Instagram and was immediately drawn to her authenticity, honesty and boldness. She doesn't sugar coat anything in regards to motherhood and I love that.
She recently asked moms to send in their stories on life after baby- the part no one ever talks about- and then complied their stories into a book titled, mama, bare. I didn't hesitate to purchase it for myself and you shouldn't either. The stories are so real, so raw and so inspiring. Every story I read I think, "That's me! That's how I feel! I'm not alone!" I wouldn't tell you to buy it if I honestly didn't think it was worth it, but I promise, it is. I hope it'll help you find peace + comfort like it did for me.